Hawkmoth's sad and pathetic attempts at akumatizing
by Anhilare
Summary: AKA the majority of akumatizations. Because they're so ridiculously common, we'll cover mainly the most outstanding ones. One-shot collection, so it's marked as complete. Ideas welcome and encouraged.
1. Prologue

Have you ever wondered why there are so few Akuma attacks when there are 2 million people in Paris?

Why it seems like it's impossible to refuse Hawkmoth's offers?

Let's get into it.


	2. The Monk (Jesuit)

Hawkmoth paced his lair once again. There were currently thousands of angry people, but none of them were angry enough to have a complete lack of judgement. The commonality of people angry-just-not-angry-enough was _infuriating._

Hawkmoth sensed one spike of anger above the rest. It wasn't ideal, but business was slow that day, so he decided that he might as well wing it.

"A monk with no one pious to come and pray. What perfect _prey_ —haha, a pun, I'm so clever—for my little akuma. Fly away, my akuma, and evilize him!"

The Head Abbott was _not_ in a good mood. He has just witnessed people disregard all morals, in front of Fleury Abbey, no less! He could feel anger at their impiety starting to boil underneath him, when a purple butterfly flew into the room and entered his cross necklace.

"Jesuit, I am Hawkmoth. Long have you seen impious people..."

The Abbott's anger quickly gave way to alarm as he ran through the monastery shouting, Hawkmoth's spiel long forgotten. "Everyone, stop what you're doing! I need someone to exorcize me, _stat_!"

"But Father, exorcism is dangerous to—"

"Look at this," he replied, dangling the now-purple necklace. "I _dare_ you to tell me an exorcism is unnecessary."

The monks' eyes widened in understanding as they quickly prepared materials for the scared ritual. They began chanting, the butterfly slowly being pulled out of the necklace. It fully emerged, now flooding in midair. The sacred energies began forcing the evil out of the butterfly into pure, uncorruptible Holy Water, dispelling the evil and purifying the butterfly. When they finished, they smiled as they watched the tranquil butterfly fly out a nearby window.

Hawkmoth, on the other hand, swore that he would _never again_ attempt to akumatize any clergy in any religion.

'Wait, that monk wasn't even Jesuit! Now I look like a fool!'


	3. Marinette, attempt 1 (Reliever)

Hawkmoth paced his lair as he looked for someone angry for something that wasn't _utterly pathetic and petty to the max._

"So, you spilled coffee on your own shirt, and you're angry at the waitress? Puh- _lease,_ even _I'm_ not that insensitive."

"The school bully closed the book you were reading, and you want his head. C'mon, grow some skin!"

"The cashier accidentally shorted you 0.01EUR when you bought a new TV, and you're going nuts because of it. Look who became frugal all of a sudden."

Therefore, when Hawkmoth sensed someone was angry due to a legitimate reason, he just jumped the gun.

He should've looked at the anger intensity, too.

"A girl who can't get a break from the bully. Now it's time for her to bully the bully. Go, my little akuma, and evilize her!"

The petite purple packet of power flew into the window of a school and entered the girl's pencil.

"Reliever, I am Hawkmoth. Long have you suffered at the hands of this bully—"

"Wait a second," aid Marinette. "Am I _seriously_ getting akumatized because Chloé is being Chloé?"

"Well, yeah. She did make you angry."

"More like annoyed. Chloé throws whatever insult she can think of at everyone _constantly._ It's nothing new. She has caused almost everyone to be akumatized, but only after she did something particularly nasty, like getting someone suspended for no real reason."

Alya looked at Marinette strangely. "Who are you talking to?"

"Hawkmoth. He thinks he can get me akumatized over what Chloé just did"

"Hey, I can hear you!"

"Even better. As for your deal, just give me some time to think about it. I need to weigh the pros and cons."

Marinette knew very well that she would only make Hawkmoth hate her, but holding his akuma in one place and preventing any more attacks for a while would be _such_ a relief.

Heh. _Reliever._

"You can't just do that!" protested Hawkmoth.

"Says who?" retorted Marinette.

"Uhhhhh, _me,_ the one with powers."

"Okay then, whattaya gonna do about it, hmm?"

"That's..."

"Yeah. I know."

God, this was too much fun.

'I hate this girl. I hope she gets akumatizated one day. Oh, wait! _I_ can do that!'


	4. A die-hard shipper (Captainess)

**I am busy with school, since the end of the Trimester is coming up. Updates will be slow.**

 **Oh, and schedule? What schedule? My updated are** ** _always_** **highly irregular. I won't have a schedule anytime soon.**

* * *

 **This prompt was suggested by mdmpinkie9088.**

Business was slow today, as usual. Hawkmoth placed his lair. Sure, he was behind on his designs, but evilizing people was _way_ more interesting. All these people are just not angry enough. Just then, one spoke of emotion shone above the rest.

"A die-hard, uh, shipper? Sailor? Sailor. A sailor whose ship refuses to sail. Go, my akuma, and make this captain in charge of a new boat!"

The butterfly merrily fluttered to the house of one schoolgirl sitting on a pillow in front of her pink laptop. The schoolgirl happened to attend Collège Françoise-Dupont, and was pretty frustrated about a pair of particularly oblivious grademates.

"Why don't they see they've got the hots for each other?!"

The girl was a strong Adrienette shipper (shippress?). She had stalked them to Marinette's birthday party, and had seen the gift Adrien gave Marinette.

"He literally kept her charm! Tells her that to her face! And he goes and makes her a new one! _By hand!_ Then she monologues on how it's about who gives the gift that matters, all while lover boy is standing behind a tree just _staring_ at the charm! That just _oozes_ 'Oh, look at the gift that my _CRUSH_ gave me!'"

The girl had done enough stalking to know that he never leaves the house without it. Up here, we're shocked that she hasn't discovered their identities.

We _may_ have something to do with that ;)

Staller-girl was busy scheming what she could do to pair them together. She was in the middle of formulating her Master Plan™ when a butterfly decided to rudely phase through her closed window and possess her 'I Ship It' T-shirt.

God, that would've been an awkward fight if Hawkmoth'd succeeded...

"Captain. Wait, you're female. So, Captaine? Too French. Captainette? Sounds too much like my son's crush-not-a-crush (how oblivious is he?). Captrix? Too Latinny. Captainess? Yeah, that's it. Lemme start from the top. Captainess. For too long your ship has refused to sail."

"Yeah, I know that."

"Don't interrupt. I can give you the power to—"

"Look. I'm kinda busy right now. I'm preparing my master plan to fulfill my OTP, and you're not really helping me. I don't want your powers, I'm not interested in boats."

"But you were talking about ships."

" _Yeah_ , as in relation _ship_. Now if you'll ex _cuse_ me, I need to make Adrienette happen."

"Oh, those two? I _know._ When will they get together?"

"See, even Hawkmoth ships them!"

"You bet I, uh, _ship_ them. You'll receive my full assistance. You've just amde a powerful ally."

And with that, Hawkmoth, content, recalled his akuma and smiled. Then he frowned.

'I really need to learn teenage slang if I plan on akumatizatizing tennagers…'


End file.
